How You React to Money is Sabotaging Your Romance Part II
What does this do for my psychology? You see there’s a psychology around how we spend, invest and/or save our money. There is a fairy tale dream out there for women that all you have to do is look pretty, cook and clean and Prince Charming will come sweep you of your feet and take you to his castle and provide for you for the rest of your life. That’s a LIE! In other words, a man is not a plan. This psychology carries over into how we look at and value money.
For men, money means power, wealth and prestige; while for women money means security, safety, family and giving.
Early on in a relationship a man will tend to treat his woman to expensive meals and dates as a way to show off how capable of providing he is. This is easily translated into security for his mate. If carried on long enough, the woman will believe that money is no object and develops the habit of expecting and enjoying such luxuries.
However, when such lifestyles are more for show than for practicality things can turn sour real fast. The man begins to resent his woman as a money digger and labels her as high maintenance. She begins to resent his lack of honesty and refers to him in front of her friends as a poser.
True it is while you’re dating there’s no need for full disclosure. There still needs to be some integrity with your use of money because eventually the sex will get old and you’ll find yourself resenting yourself, who you’ve become and your partner.
I went through a multi-million dollar divorce a few years back. He was a younger guy and we had great sex. I got pregnant. Several times I tried to have the money conversation with him. He kept saying, “You handle it. You’re great with money.”
No, that’s not the way I do things. But I was pregnant and I didn’t want to fight. I let this conversation elude us for 3 years. Then we really started to fight. I love people, he didn’t. I love to make money. He loves to spend it. I started to become someone I wasn’t.
It was so subtle that I didn’t even know that it was happening to me. We all have our proverbial lines in the sand that we’d never cross. You know what I’m talking about. What happens is you make a small concession here and another one there. Before you know it you’ve not only crossed over your line, you’ve so far gone you don’t even know which direction you need to go to get back to it.
You have to have an experience like the one I had to jar you awake.
One day my son, Logan, delivered the most crushing blow I’ve ever been dealt. He said, “Mom, how come we don’t have people over anymore. We used to have people over all the time and they would never leave. Life isn’t fun anymore.” From a 10 year old, that was hard for me to hear.
I’m a strong woman and have been through a lot, but when your child recognizes that things aren’t the same and most importantly… you’re no longer the same, it hurts. I knew right then that things had to change. I kicked his butt out and started the journey back to who I was and still am inside.
I have to pause here because I wouldn’t have been able to do this without the help and support of my close friends. When I had finally put my foot down, they cheered. They’d been waiting for this day. It would have been impossible for me to make this arduous journey back by myself.
Who you associate with can either turn you into something you’re not or help support who you already are. I learned both lessons. Who do you have in your life that supports you, the real you? Who do you have in your life that you’ve been tolerating but have lent their limiting vision of who you should and can be in this life?
I love this quote: “You’re the leading star in your life and have a blank script. Who’s going to write your role – you or someone else?” We truly are the makers of our life. If you saw me in The Secret, you know that I decided to become a millionaire and then “wrote my life’s script” based on that desire.
How about you? What are your financial desires in this life? Why do you want to make more money? Are you and your significant other on the same page financially? If not, how will this affect your children and their view and relationship to money?
I’m passionate about teaching the rising generation to be fiscally literate. This is such a dear issue to me that your teenagers (12-19 years old) can come to all of my events as a participant for FREE when you attend – one teenager per paid participant of course.
If you have more than one, come several times or bring your spouse so you can bring two teenagers. I’ve had teenagers come to my 3 Days to Cash workshops and earn thousands of dollars with skills they thought were meaningless. Don’t tell me that this doesn’t change their outlook on life and money at such a crucial age in their life.
Can you see how powerful this can be? Start having these types of conversations now. Set up money rules. Things you will and won’t do in regard to money. Here are a few examples:
- 1. I’ll invest 10% of my annual take home pay
- 2. I won’t make a major buying decision ($1,000+) without first talking to my significant other.
- 3. I’ll give 10% of my wealth away each year.
You can see that they’re very specific. The more specific they are the easier it will be to adhere to them. Finally, let me share with you my 12-4-5 formula. This formula is responsible for helping thousands of my students make gobs of money.